Truly lost
by Sillylittleman
Summary: Post Thor – Loki is returned to Asgard from the void but he is vastly changed from the man his family once knew. Please review. I'd love that.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm just going to totally ignore the Chitauri and the Avengers. This is more of a family relationship fic than anything else because for some reason I really enjoy writing that kind of thing. **

**I own nothing and nobody.**

**Chapter 1**

Loki let his grasp on the staff loosen. As he began to fall away from the bridge he stared up at his family until he could bear to look no longer, he turned and faced his fate. If he was honest he didn't care what happened to him now. He had lost everything, his home, his family even his name was no longer his own. The wormhole closed behind him and then there was nothing. The darkness was all encompassing, it was tangible and it seemed to wrap itself around him in a way which he found slightly comforting. As he drifted he thought. He thought about everything. His life, his pains, his feelings. He thought of many things; from inconsequential things to distract himself, to things that made him want to tear his brain out in frustration and sorrow. Until eventually he ran out of things to think about. Having exhausted himself of thought he gave up.

He didn't think now, he did nothing. He just allowed himself to drift in the darkness and let himself forget the heartbreak he felt at the loss of his place in Asgard and with his family. The darkness took him and he allowed it, anything to dull the ache in his chest.

For an immeasurable length of time Loki drifted, unthinking and uncaring of his fate. He lost what remained of himself, he buried himself deeply and drifted. He could have steered himself in the beginning but it was too late for that now. His magic had been depleted as it was used in his continued survival. It was an unconscious decision, his magic kept him alive for now but eventually it would run out and he would die. Alone and unmourned. Not an unexpected fate for the God of lies.

Suddenly the darkness was broken by a blinding light, the light surrounded him and filled him almost as completely as the darkness had. He felt himself being pulled through the universe and didn't even try to stop the screams that he felt leave him. The terror he felt brought him to new heights of panic. Until mercifully he passed into unconsciousness.

Frigga sat by her son's bedside as he slept, he had been returned to her from the void and for that she was thankful. He had been gone for so many years and she had mourned him, to have him back in Asgard was more of relief than any she had ever felt before. She loved him dearly and couldn't blame him for what he had done, nobody in their little family did. Odin took most of the blame onto himself, he had confided in his Queen that the guilt he felt at Loki's fall from grace was great and he felt he had failed their son. Frigga took some blame onto herself as well, if they had only been honest with Loki from the start. It was their love for him that had blinded them, they had only wished to see him content and happy in his life but no matter their reasoning the consequences of their actions had damned Loki in the end.

Loki had awoken once since his arrival and he had seemed vacant and distant but that was only to be expected. He had fallen back into sleep quickly and had remained asleep for a day and a half, Frigga hoped he would awaken soon as the worry began to eat at her. It was another seven tense hours for Frigga before he began to stir. He came back to her slowly until his eyes focussed on her. He seemed better this time, less distant but she saw no recognition in his eyes. "Wha...?" She leant over and brushed some hair out of his face, she let her hand linger on his cheek as she told him that he was safely home now and that all was forgiven. He just looked at her, more confused than anything else. "I don't... who are you?" his voice was soft as he question her. She felt tears come unbidden to her eyes as she forced herself to tell him she was his mother. That she had raised him from a baby and that she had always loved him.

This seemed to be too much for the man lying in the bed to take in, he just zoned out for a while. He was unresponsive as she continued to stroke his cheek while she waited for him to come back. It took a while but his eyes once again focused on her and he looked tired again so she pulled the duvet that covered him up to his chin and told him to rest.

When she was sure he was deeply asleep she left for a moment to go to the family room, where Thor and Odin were congregated to inform them that Loki had awoken again but that he seemed to remember nothing. She had left one of her handmaidens outside Loki's door to ensure that he wouldn't be disturbed, she had hesitated in letting one of her maidens into the room itself, just in case he woke up and was scared. She regretted that decision when soon after she had left Loki for the family room, a handmaiden had burst into the room and told them that Loki had awoken but some sort of madness had taken him.

They all rushed to their family members room, Odin was the first to react and was therefore the first to get to Loki's room and enter. The sight that greeted him was heartbreaking. Loki was sat in the centre of his destroyed room, his knees tucked under his chin with his arms wrapped around them. He was sobbing uncontrollable and begging for the light that had been lost to him. Odin ordered the candles picked up and relit, it seemed that Loki had been firing his magical energy in the vain attempt to frighten away the dark. The light seemed to calm Loki, as did Frigga who had run to him and held him as Thor relit the candles. She listened as he mumbled pleading words under his breath, he pleaded for light and begged not to be alone.

When he had calmed he was unfocussed again. It seemed that what had happened had been too much again, so as a family they put him to bed. Frigga cleaned and bandaged the wounds that he had inflicted on himself in his panic, and once he was cleaned and redressed Frigga tucked him in as she used to as a child. Odin and Thor sat on the opposite side of the bed and she knew that none of them would allow him to be alone and scared any time in the future.

**Thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**To my readers and reviewers, I love you.**

**Chapter 2**

Home, it smelt like home. He remembered that smell from... somewhere. He opened his eyes, he could no longer bear the darkness, though he couldn't at that moment remember why. A woman sat by his bedside, and her face was pleasantly familiar to him. Everything else about her escaped him but this mattered not, though he did pondered her as he fell as he once again fell into sleep.

He didn't remember any more about her but it was thankfully getting easier to think now than it had been. He had nothing left inside him worth thinking on anyway, so he thought about her. She, who said she was his mother and that she loved him. He didn't understand a lot of the things she spoke about but she held him and he enjoyed that so it didn't really matter.

It was apparent after the first time he had been left alone that he would be allowed to be alone again or to stay in the dark, he hated both of these states with more passion than he felt about anything else, so there was an agreement between his family that there would always be someone with him at all times and the candles in his room were always kept fresh and alight. He liked this too.

The woman who called herself his mother stayed with him often, she and the man she called his brother were with him most of the time. He enjoyed this, they were kind and held him frequently. Brother was so strong, he felt safe when brother held him and brother seemed to like holding him so he took the comfort as he could get it. The man mother had labelled as his father was not there as often as the other two people but when he was there he was always nice. All in all he was happy with these people, he did wish he remembered more though.

They called him Loki, he was their beloved son and brother. He was mischievous and enjoy playing tricks on people. They told him he had enjoyed reading books and studying magic but he didn't remember these things and he didn't feel like the Loki they described. He didn't feel much really but he didn't want to tell them that because it might upset mother. She was sad regularly around Loki, Loki would do something or say something that he assumed was totally out of character and she would look mournful. For some reason he couldn't bear her sadness so he avoided causing it whenever he could. He wondered sometimes if she missed the other Loki and would prefer he was there rather than the man he was now.

Loki's interactions with brother were easier, brother seemed to him to be a very open person who showed his emotions easily. Brother told him the truth frankly where mother and father would try to soften it for him. Loki appreciated this from brother, he would rather be told the full truth that might hurt him than a half truth. Brother seemed to understand this and answered any questions he had as fully as he could. Though Loki didn't ask many questions as they seemed to upset people too much, even so sometimes he wouldn't be able to help himself and the need to know things about himself that had become lost to him would become overwhelming. Still whatever he asked brother, whatever the subject he was guaranteed to get an answer.

It was brother who had taken him out of his rooms for the first time after weeks of bed rest, the golden buildings were truly beautiful but they didn't bring about any familiar feelings for him. They wandered the halls for a long time together before they ran into mother. She asked them to walk with her in the gardens, the corridors of the royal wing of the palace had been empty but the gardens were a communal area. The people around made Loki slightly nervous but mother took his hand and whenever the feeling of terror was about to take him brother would block his view of everything and allow him time to relax and pretend it was just brother and mother there with him. He took the opportunity when brother pressed close to him to bask in the warmth that the man seemed to emit, it helped to calm him better than many other things that his family had tried.

They sat happily in the gardens just enjoying each others company. It had been a good day. At lunch time Frigga asked a servant to bring them a picnic for the garden, it was surprising when Odin walked into the gardens carrying a basket of food and followed by a small procession of servants. "Mind if I join you, it is such a beautiful day" He set his basket down and sat as the servants proceeded to put down the rest of the things that Odin had brought.

Eating had been hard for Loki since he returned, he found he hated the taste of all the food that was given to him. He was told that he hadn't really enjoyed food before either but now he dreaded meal times. Though his family encouraged him at every occasion, he more often than not ate too little. They had told him he wasn't the same species as everyone else. That he was adopted. Odin had tried to explain about the frost giants, that he was kin to, but there was very little information on them that interested Loki. The Asgardians and the Jotun had been enemies for an eternity and there was little information available on their social structures. Though Odin did know a little from his travels. From father Loki had learnt that the frost giants lived of the winter snow of their home world and that in the eternal summer of Asgard he would need to eat the food he was given to avoid wasting away. He knew of the need to eat but the reality of it was entirely different. The feeling and taste of the food itself was too much but he ate, if only to please the kind people who had cared for him so well.

He was happy with the people that named him as one of their family. Mother felt familiar to him, when he saw her he didn't feel as lost and isolated than when she wasn't there. Neither father nor brother made him feel the same way though they were both very kind to him. It didn't seem to matter to them that he preferred mother's company over anyone else. Though he hadn't actually interacted with anyone that he wasn't currently picnicking with. He turned to look directly at the other people in the gardens and even as the thought of talking to any other people made his chest clench in panic, he couldn't help wondering what they were like.

**Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope it's ok and not too confused.**

**To my readers and reviewers, I love you. **

**Chapter 3**

Slowly Loki's life fell into a pleasant monotony that was comforting to him. The panic he felt when his schedule was interrupted ensured that he was thoroughly prepared by his family whenever there was to be a foreseen interruption, though these were avoided wherever possible. Therefore every day, no matter who had stayed with him the night before, his mother always woke him in the morning and took him to breakfast once he had dressed himself. She would also stay with him during the meal as he still had a problem being around large groups of people, especially if they were all talking at once. She talked softly to him as they ate though they were often joined by Thor, however he sometimes dined with the others that sat further along the table. It didn't matter to Loki, mother was always there and the feelings of bitterness that he felt when Thor chose to sit with others were easily ignored. He would never tell anyone of them, as he still avoided upsetting anyone with his words and actions whenever he could even now.

After breakfast he was taken by either Thor or mother to the great library of Asgard, he enjoyed it there the most. He had found during one of his many walks around Asgard with Thor, that he loved the library and the books that were held there. It was one of the few things he found he actually had in common with the Loki he once was. He read whatever he could now, Odin had joked one night that at the pace Loki was getting through his books he would have read the whole collection of the library soon enough. Even so Loki couldn't make himself slow in his reading, he had found something he truly enjoyed in a world full of things that were either unfamiliar or terrifying. Thor usually complained as the morning went on, it was obvious he found sitting still dull though when asked if he wished to leave Thor would always refuse, telling Loki that he should ignore his complaining and just enjoy the time he had with the books he loved.

He often skipped lunch though this was only possible if he was accompanied by Thor alone. Thor would easily yield to his brother's wishes if Loki begged. Their mother, however was far sterner; no matter how much Loki pleaded and let tears build in his eyes, she would always make him attend the midday meal with her. There had only been one time that she had allowed him to miss the meal. He had had a very hard morning that day and she had not been able to bring herself to force him into something he did not wish to do. It was just a normal morning, Frigga accompanied Loki to the library as usual, and had sat as he wandered off to look at the books as he was want to do. He had been browsing for a new book in the histories when he heard people chatting, he had not meant to eavesdrop and he later wished he hadn't heard at all. He had heard them talking about the Loki that he used to be, and they had not been kind. He felt sick, he didn't feel like a bad person, was he truly a monster. To say it had upset him would be a gross understatement.

Frigga had stayed in one of the seats as she usually did while waiting for Loki but she stood quickly when she saw her beloved son come rushing back to her with tears in his eyes. He pushed himself into her chest so that they were pressed close, this was his usually response to situations that upset him but it made it no less distressing to his family whenever he was upset so. Though they were happy that he was always open with them when something upset him. She put her arms around him and tightened her grip on him offering what comfort she could. She knew they were drawing the attention of the other people in the library, Loki was loudly sobbing in her arms and she wouldn't have people see her son now when he was so vulnerable. She pulled out of the hug murmuring words of comfort and love, she kept up the litany of comforting words as she slipped her hand into his to lead him out of the room. Luckily her private gardens were very close to the library so she guided them there, to where they could have privacy.

Loki's tears had not stopped, or even slowed by the time the entered the gardens. She sat herself on the grass under a tree, her backed pressed against it for support. She pulled her son down so the he was sat leant against her, she silently held him and stroked his hair until he was calm enough to talk. "Oh my poor darling, tell me what has upset you so" she said softly, she wanted to know what had happened to make her son so despondent and how she could make it better. His response wasn't what she expected, "Am I evil?" His voice was small like he expected her to tell him that he was. What had happened to make him think that, "Of course not, you are no more evil than I" She leant down to him to kiss his hair before continuing, "What happened in the library Loki?" Loki told her about the people he had overheard talking and about the things they had said about him. That they had called him a monster and said that he had tried to kill Thor. That he was cruel and hated. He had left before they had finished talking, unable to bear listing to any more that they had to say but they had made their feelings on him quite clear.

Frigga had listened silently, he anger at the gossiping people of Asgard growing as her son's story unravelled. She would need to see to those people that would say such things of a Price of Asgard, she wasn't anywhere near as powerful as Odin himself but she was still the Queen of Asgard and she would find these people and make them regret the day they spoke of her son as a monster.

He had begged her not to bring him to the midday meal and she had relented easily, she wouldn't force him today. She escorted him to his rooms, keeping her arm around his waist, before asking a servant to bring them some food. She wouldn't force him to go to the dining hall to eat but she would not allow him to not eat at all. At least that is what she thought until he looked so desperately at her as she came back to him after talking to the servant. He ended up eating less than usual and still he only ate to make his mother happy, Frigga thought she could live with that for now though she would prefer that he enjoyed the food he had to eat.

Loki didn't like to think on that day though his parents and Thor had assured him often that he was loved and that he was a good person, luckily he also hadn't heard anyone talking about him again after that. His schedule had been slightly disrupted for a while after that day, he hadn't wanted to go to the library so he had asked to go to his room after breakfast. This lasted only two weeks before he couldn't resist the lure of the many books any longer, he had been nervous but Thor had been there when he had gone back and that had helped greatly. Instead of wandering off by himself as he had done before, he took Thor's hand and pulled him along behind him. He didn't want to be alone in the library after the incident and from that time on he always took his companion wherever he went in the library.

Odin and Frigga watched this with some despair, the only independence that their son had shown had been lost again. They had been so proud as Loki had begun to feel comfortable enough in the library to wander on his own, outside of the library Loki was constantly at the side of one of his family members and it could only have been a good thing that he had some independence. They had dealt with the individuals that Loki had originally overheard in the library and everyone was now aware that any slanderous talk regarding any member of the royal family would be quashed quickly and harshly.

Luckily his after lunch schedule didn't change, he still napped after lunch for an hour and a half before awakening. He would always sleep curled around his companion, this seemed to comfort him so none of his family minded the time they spent with him curled around them. When he awakened, they would always go for a walk around one of the many gardens of Asgard. Loki liked it outside, as long as the people didn't look at him.

He still tired easily so the walks were never particularly long, he spent a lot of time sitting in the gardens just enjoying them and the company of his family. After walking Loki liked to play games, he found that he enjoyed word games and people were always inclined to humour him with them. They would return to Loki's rooms after the walk and the games to pass the time would occur there. Loki never seemed to get bored of them and he had a running competition with Thor that had been ongoing for some time. Loki was winning of course, Thor had said it was only natural.

The evening meal was always larger that both the morning and mid day meals, as everyone attended it. It was the worst time of day for Loki, but he suffered through it everyday. The thought of the evening activities always cheered him, every evening was spent in the family rooms with his parents. Much like the morning meal, Thor would often be there also though he sometimes didn't join them, preferring to spend some time with his friends. Though he only did this if he had been with Loki for the majority of the day, Thor didn't want to neglect his brother but sometimes he just needed to spend some time socialising and forgetting for a time.

Even without Thor there, Loki enjoyed his time in the evening with his family as both mother and father would always be there and they would spend time with him and dote on him as he so liked. Every other day Loki would bathe in the evening and then his mother would allow him to doze against her as she dried and brushed his hair. He enjoyed having his hair brushed and would look forward to those days. Sometimes father would read to them all just as Thor said he had done when they were children and sometimes he would show Loki his magic. Loki was fascinated by the magic that Odin was able to preform, he watched the hand movements and copied them as well as he could though no magic came from him.

Odin had told him that he was a powerful sorcerer, though his magic had been drained as he had fallen. Odin was not sure if the lack of magic the Loki exhibited was permanent or if he would get his magic back. Either way Odin had made his son promise to tell him about anything strange that happened however small it might seem to him.

Even after his nap in the afternoon, Loki would still tired early. Nobody forced him to go to bed but he knew when he was tired and always told them when he wished to retire. He was always joined in his room by the rest of his family, he would ready himself for bed as his mother pulled down his covers and his father would ensure that the candles were fresh and alight. Thor had no designated role so when he was there he usually just sat in an unobtrusive place and waited for Loki to finish getting ready.

When Loki emerged from his bathroom, he would move directly to the bed and get in. He sat up as each of his family members came and hugged him to them. He then snuggled down into the pillows. One of the family members would always stay with him during the night, the others would leave with hugs as they bid everyone goodnight, leaving Loki with his night time companion. His companion would get themselves ready to sleep before slipping into the bed next to Loki, no matter how tired he was he would always stay awake until his partner was holding him. They had found that during the night, even when being held, Loki would suffer from nightmares. He never remembered the content of his dreams but the effects of them were horrible for him. Though he was comforted by the presence of the night time companion, their warmth and the candle light, and was often able to return to sleep relatively quickly.

The night time routing was different with each of the members of his family, though each of them made him feel safe and loved as he drifted into sleep. Mother was his favourite, she would sing as she held him. Songs that were not familiar but lovely all the same. Thor would talk of their shared experiences, these usually left Loki feeling more awake than anything else. The stories Thor told were exciting and humorous, he was very good at weaving his stories and Loki always enjoyed them. He also seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of them and Loki didn't think he would ever get to hear all of them. As he slept Thor would hold him close while Loki basked in the warmth of the man, Loki truly felt safe when Thor slept next to him. Father was different, he wouldn't talk to Loki as he held him. He would just hold him close and that was all Loki needed to feel safe and comforted in the man's presence. Loki remembered how he had once burst into tears, panic taking him, when he had awoken alone in his bed. Odin had rushed from the bathroom and held his distraught son as he grasped him close. Loki pressed himself as close as he could get to his father, as if needing to be as close to someone as possible to ensure he wouldn't be left again.

Odin had stayed awake with Loki, who was now too tense to go to sleep. When Loki had come to his senses again he had apologised, he should be passed his fear of being alone by now but still he had overreacted. Odin had of course disagreed, tightening his grip on his child, he assured Loki that he was doing well and that however long it took for him to get well his family would always be with him. Loki still hadn't slept that night but the tension that he had felt left and he allowed himself to feel safe again in the arms of his father.

Every day was the same for Loki, and this was how he preferred it. Of course his parents worried that they were doing more harm that good in keeping him in the same comfortable routine but the thought of scaring Loki and possible loosing him again to the unfocussed state, that had plagued him but that had not occurred for some time, was worrying. They just hoped that Loki would at some time be ready to interact with others.

**Thanks for reading.**


End file.
